How Do I Deal with Difficult People at Work Who Make My Job Miserable Every Day?

"Difficult" people in the workplace are usually insecure people who make others' lives difficult so they can feel a sense of power and control they do not otherwise feel, outside of work.

 I worked in the corporate world for 12 years.

I once had a boss who would endlessly criticize my work, assign me extra tasks, and speak harshly to me in front of others.

My colleagues urged me to complain about him, but he had too much power in the company.

So instead of complaining, I started deeply listening to this person.

Instead of avoiding, I started engaging with him in a deeper way. I asked him about their family. I asked him what their challenges were. I asked what they saw themselves as, and what drove them.

I spent hours with him in meetings.

Slowly, something shifted.

The harsh words stopped.

The extra tasks disappeared.

One day, he pulled me aside and said, "You're the only one who gets it. This is how work needs to be done. You are the only person I can rely on in our entire team."

The Deeper Understanding

When someone at work makes your life difficult, they're rarely doing it because they wake up with a desire to hurt you.


Most of the time, they're acting from a place of deep uncertainty about themselves. Some people cling to their job titles and opinions like their life depends on it.


They've built their whole sense of worth around their title and their position.

When that feels threatened, they grip tighter.

They micromanage because flexibility feels dangerous to them.

They have learned that having power over people makes them feel safe. Maybe they grew up feeling powerless. Maybe they've been hurt before by their bosses.

So they share their hurt using insults or coercion.

If it took them a long time to get promoted, they block your promotion because now they are in the position of power.

But beneath all the difficult behavior is usually something very simple.

Most people just want to be seen. They want to know they matter. They want to feel valued and capable.


When they don't get that recognition, they sometimes act out in ways that push people away from the very thing they need most.

Simple Steps Forward 

Here are two practices that can transform how you handle difficult people:
 

Spend More Time, Not Less  

When someone is being difficult, our instinct is to avoid them. But try the opposite. Have longer conversations with them. Ask about their goals. Listen to their concerns. Most difficult people become easier when they feel truly heard.

Look for the Need Behind the Behavior

Before reacting to someone's difficult behavior, pause and ask yourself: "What are they really needing right now?" Are they feeling insecure? Unheard? Powerless?

When you can see the need, you can respond to that instead of just reacting to their behavior.

Remember, this isn't about becoming a doormat or accepting bad treatment.


It's about understanding what's really happening so you can respond with wisdom, instead of reacting with frustration.

We hosted a webinar on this topic: Workplace Dynamics: How to Deal with Difficult People

To listen to this webinar, or to explore one of our many other webinars, join our membership here.