How Do I Stop People-Pleasing and Start Being Myself Without Fearing Rejection?

“I change myself based on who I am speaking with”, he said.

“How so?”

“I can feel it more now that I am slowly becoming more aware of my thinking habits, but I am realizing how to become a completely new person, with different opinions and different sense of humor with I am with my friends, and a different person when I’m with my wife, and a different person when I am with my parents.”

“We all do it to an extent. What would happen if you entirely stopped doing it?”, I asked him.

“I would love to, but I don’t think it's possible,” he said.

“Why is it not possible?"

“Because I will have to be who I am. And I don’t know who I am. So I become who they want me to be,” he replied.

“You don’t know, or you don’t remember?”

“You think I have forgotten who I am?”

“Yes, you have forgotten. All children know who they are. But there comes a time when they are made to forget.”

“By who?”, he asked.

“By those who made their love conditional upon the child’s behavior. By those who should not have needed any pleasing. By those whose approval should have been free.”

The Survival Game We Play

When we constantly seek approval, we're playing an ancient survival game that was started by our parents.

Deep within, there's a part of us that believes our very existence depends on their acceptance.

This is a natural response born from our earliest experiences of needing care and love to survive. 

And somewhere along the way, we learned that being ourselves wasn't enough. We had to perform, please, and perfect ourselves to earn the love we desperately needed.

The truth is, chronic people-pleasing is a deeply unmet need for love that eventually turns into a deadly game of manipulation.

We try to extract approval out of others, because we're terrified of their rejection.

We cook their meals, solve their problems, and bend ourselves into impossible shapes, hoping to secure their approval. 

This however eventually backfires. Because while we are busy pleasing them, we are ignoring their true emotions, as we are ignoring, our own.

We are building a connection based on our past self’s needs.

We are operating from the assumption that we are not good enough, until they approve.

This creates a painful cycle where the more we please others, the more disconnected we become from ourselves, and also from them.


We hear things that sound like this when we are caught in people-pleasing:

“Why did you not say anything back then if you were upset? I would have agreed to it easily.”
“You resent me for not listening to what you never said."
"You sound like your mother, while I am not your father."
"Why did you cook for me for 20 years? I didn’t ask you to.”
“Why did you wash my clothes, and clean for me? I could have done it myself.”
“Why did you go above and beyond to help me and solve my family’s problems? I never asked you to.”
“Why did you work so hard to make money? I would have been happier with less money and more time with you.”
“Why do you do so much out of guilt? What are you afraid will happen?”


These are all the things we hear when we have abandoned ourselves in the habit of people-pleasing.

3 Simple Steps to Stop Pleasing Others

1) Pause before the Yes:

Before automatically saying "yes" to requests, take three deep breaths. Ask yourself: "Am I agreeing from intuition or from fear?" This small pause every time you say yes to someone can transform your entire relationship with people-pleasing. Say No freely, but pause before every yes. Value your time and your attention.

2) Start with small truths:

Begin sharing your authentic preferences in low-stake situations. Choose the restaurant you actually want to visit. Express your real opinion about a movie. Refuse to visit or see someone you do not like. These small acts of authenticity build your confidence.

3) Notice your body's wisdom:

Your body always knows when you're betraying yourself. Pay attention to that tight feeling in your chest or the knot in your stomach when you're about to people-please. Let these sensations be your guide back to authenticity.


And most of all, slow down, so you can do all three.