How do you communicate without triggering egos or turning every conversation into an argument?

 Every Ego has one undeniable trigger — another Ego.

A client once said something that stayed with me: “Every time I try to explain myself to my partner, it feels like I’m walking into a courtroom.”

She was tired of having to prove a point, and her partner was someone who would never forget a single thing that happened between them. This meant that the slightest argument would open the door into ancient past, and old grievances would come alive again. 

I asked her, "Then why do you argue?"

She waited for a bit and then said, "Because unless I argue, I am never heard."

"But if you are heard, and if it is working, then there is no problem, correct?"

She thought about it for a moment.

"I see what you mean. Obviously, something isn't working."

"What if the problem is the moment we start trying to win an argument, we start losing the conversation, and with it, the connection?"


"But then how to communicate?"


"By stating without insisting. By raising your awareness, not your voice."

The rise in volume

Ever notice when someone doesn't understand you, you speak louder?

Something within us feels that if we speak louder, the force behind our voice will clear the obstacles in their path, and actually reach the other person.

But the problem is, instead of clearing the obstacles, a raise voice creates more obstacles.


The obstacle of defensiveness of their Ego.

Why is the Ego in your partner awakened?


Because it was triggered by your Ego.

Every Ego has one unmistakable trigger — another Ego.

And when two Egos are awakened, they love one thing above all — to win.

Stating without Insisting.

The reason why we feel an urge to argue in a conflict, is because we want to insist on being right.

We have a parent figure who has conditioned us to express ourselves from a state of fear.

Whether it is through suppression or through demonstrating anger, or through withdrawal, someone has taught us quite well how to respond in case of a conflict.

This conditioning manifests itself through the urge to argue, defend, blame, lie, criticize, or shame.

The Ego never pauses to think, that sometimes insisting creates the wrong outcome.

Instead, the better way to communicate is to state.

Stating something is to say what's on your mind, without the desire behind it to bend someone to your will.

Stating is impossible, as long as one has a desire to change someone.

And one cannot stop trying to change someone as long one is attached to them.

How to State without Insisting (or Demanding or Expecting)

• Preface an opinion with, "This is just my way of thinking, you don't have to feel the same way."
• Preface a desire with, "This is just a suggestion, you don't need to agree with this."
• Preface a disagreement with, "I see what you mean, and there's truth to it, but I think about it slightly differently."
  
• Preface criticism with, "I really like what you have done here and here, but I think you can do this better."
• Preface anger with, "I don't think this is going the right way, let me process this and I will get back to you."
• Preface fear with, "I am not feeling good about this, and I think I need your support."
• Preface an apology with, "I could have handled that differently. I will try better next time." 

It feels so simple, almost too simple to not insist on being right.

But that’s the point.

This lightness invites presence.

Presence invites trust.

And trust invites connection.