How do you stop people-pleasing when it’s driven by childhood guilt and fear of abandonment?

The source of our people-pleasing is often not kindness, but the leftover guilt from failing to please those who should have needed no pleasing in the first place.

"I don't get it, Amit," she said. "I do everything for the family. I cook, I clean, I take care of the children, I'm always giving. But the smallest mistake gets him angry. I am constantly afraid that I am going to make him upset.”

“Hmm.”

“Every time I do something for myself, I feel guilty, and it becomes a reason for chaos in the house.”

"Tell me," I replied, "when did you first learn that you had to do so much in order to save the relationship?"

She said, "Very early on in the marriage."

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?", she asked.

"Think back. Way back. When was the first time someone important to you made their love conditional on your performance?"

"Well... my parents were always stressed. They fought a lot. I was an only child. If I didn't do as they said, they'd get upset. I learned to read their moods and do whatever it took to keep them happy. I thought that they wouldn't fight as much. They died a few years ago."

"Sorry to hear that. But let me ask you this, if you don't mind. What if you are still trying to make them happy?"

“They are not alive Amit.”

“I know.”

"Hmm. I see what you're saying. With everyone. I give and I give, hoping they'll stay happy with me. This has always been the case."

“The guilt of not performing at your best, isn’t natural. It’s a response to experiencing abandonment in your childhood.”

How Abandonment Looks

When we were children, some of us learned a painful lesson. We discovered that the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally—our parents—made their affection dependent on our behavior. 

“If you don’t do this, I won’t talk to you.”. “If you don’t eat the veggies, I won’t play with you.” “If you don’t score well in your exams, I won’t give you money for your education.”

They taught us, without intending to, that love was something we had to work for, something we could lose if we didn't perform well enough. 

This is a form of abandonment.

This early training created a deep wound. We began to carry the weight of other people's emotions, believing that their happiness was our responsibility. 

We learned to scan faces for signs of displeasure, to anticipate needs before they were expressed, to sacrifice our own comfort to maintain peace. 

We learned to feel guilty for having feelings, emotions and needs.

Today, we overextend ourselves not because others demand it, but because that old guilt still drives us. 

The very people we're trying to please would often be perfectly fine without our constant sacrifices for them, but our guilt prevents us from accepting our own limitations.

The Way Out

The way out of this guilt-ridden service is to become highly authentic in your communication. 

When you act from authenticity rather than guilt, you help when help is truly needed and you withhold it when it's not. 

This isn't selfish, it's honest. 

Authentic action comes from a place of balance, not pressure.

Authentic action is Right Action - nuanced, intuitive response to what that particular moment demands.

When you're no longer driven by the fear of disappointing others, you can respond to real needs instead of imagined ones. You can offer genuine support without sacrificing yourself in the process.

Here are some gentle practices to help you recognize and shift this pattern: 

Notice the guilt signals When you feel compelled to do something for someone, pause and ask yourself: "Am I doing this from love or from fear of their reaction?" The body knows the difference. Guilt induced anxiety feels tight, heavy and urgent, while authenticity feels relaxed, light and easy. 

Say a strong but non-violent No Instead of doing ten things for someone and then expecting them to acknowledge, try expressing your actual needs directly. Start small: "I'd love some help with dinner tonight". A strong NO, is not an angry or a fearful NO. It’s a gentle and non-violent denial of their expectation.

Let people down Not meeting someone’s expectations is a problem only when we have given them the power to determine our self-worth. Let your own actions and awareness determine your worth, not other’s judgments, no matter how convinced they seem to be about them. Be strong enough to withstand someone’s anger. 

Stop fixing people Remember that other people's emotions belong to them. They are a result of their internal dialogue, and not your behavior. Just because they are upset, doesn’t mean you have to do more. It just means they have to learn to expect less.