How to Choose Yourself

You don’t lose people by choosing yourself—you lose people by choosing them, for yourself.

(6 min read)

  A Zen Story

A young female student came to the Zen temple in tears.

“I gave up everything for him,” she said. “My voice, my dreams, even my peace. And now… he has left me.”

Bodhidharma sat in silence.

"Please offer me advice. I have nothing left in this world."

Bodhidharma spoke.

"Would you like some tea?"

The girl nodded and sat down.

As he poured her a cup he replied gently, “When you pour all your water into someone else's cup, your water runs dry.”

She looked down. “But I thought that was love", she said.

Bodhidharma smiled, “Could I have offered you tea, had you said No?”, he asked.

"No. I don't think so."

"If I still pour tea, it falls on the ground. You do not taste it.", he said while laughing.

The girl understood.

She had poured without asking. She had poured for herself.

She took a sip of the tea, as a calmness came over her.


"How's it?", Bodhidharma asked smiling.

"This is the most perfect tea I have ever had", the girl said.

"Then it is the most perfect tea, I ever made."
 

Love is Right-Action, not a hidden demand.

Most of our love is not love - it's a hidden demand made for oneself.

It comes from a place of lack, and therefore it tries to compensate for something missing.

It goes to people who do not require it, when they do not require it, in the manner in which they cannot receive it. This is why it is not received.

For example; If you come across a thirsty man on the street, would you give him a hundred dollars?

You could give him but it wouldn't be right action.

The man needs water, and if you have water you may offer it.

Would you now give him one drop, or would you pour a bucket over his head?

Both actions would be wrong, and inappropriate to whats needed.

But give him just as much water as he needs, without delay, or expectation, the man walks away with his thirst quenched.

His heart is full, and he never forgets what you did for him, for it was not water that quenches his thirst, it was your love.

Three Reflections to Sit With

1) Self-sacrifice without self-awareness leads to self-abandonment.

If you sacrifice a core part of yourself to keep a relationship alive, you will gradually turn into somebody you no longer recognize or respect.

What's more, you are probably doing it not for them, but for yourself.

What appears to be an act of selflessness, comes from deep-seated insecurity, which is why it leads to self-abandonment.

If it didn't, it would never go overboard for another, unless it was absolutely essential.

Example: A mother taking care of a chronically ill child.

→ What part of you has gone silent in the name of self-sacrifice?

2) Don't ask "Who is right?", ask instead, "What is right?"

Search for right action, not for egoic fulfillment.

If you search for egoic fulfilment, your relationships will be filled with drama—like a soap opera—but without real love… just like the actors on screen, who play a role, but feel nothing at all. 

→ What was the last time you played egoic games? Perhaps you are playing them now.

3) Put yourself first, but never above another.

Always choose yourself—keep your dreams alive, your values intact, and your voice strong, but not at the cost of another.

Pursue your goals and dreams. 

Don't do anything which you feel is wrong, just because it makes your partner happy.

Express yourself fearlessly, listen deeply, but don't speak over someone else.

Let them speak too.

→ Can you honor your truth while remaining kind? 

Download This 

Make this your wallpaper for a few days to remind you to choose yourself 

👉🏼  A reminder to always choose yourself.