How do you stop repeating toxic relationship patterns and build self-belief instead of just self-love?

You don't need more self-love. You need more self-belief.

(5 min read)

She said to me, “I just want someone who understands me, who makes me feel safe.”

She had spent years in relationships that started with chemistry and ended in chaos.

I asked her, "So what do you think has stopped you from finding such a person?"

She replied, "I don't know. For some reason I keep attracting the same kind of people in my life."

"Is there any common factor in all those relationships?", I asked her.

"Yes it's me! But I don't know where to go from here. I don't understand how to not repeat the same patterns."


"Oh it's simple."

"Really? How?"

"Well, this time, just look for something different," I said.

She paused.

"But I need someone to who understands me. Shouldn't I want someone who understands me?"

"Yes you do. And that person is you."

"So they don't need to understand me?"

"No, they don't. They need to understand themselves." 


"Well, will it work then….?"

"That's the only way it can work. Because to understand yourself is to understand the other."


"But I thought I need more self-love instead of seeking love outside of me," she went on. 

"You don't need more self-love. You need more self-belief. When you become more self-reliant emotionally, when you understand yourself in great depth, you have become the person you seek. Now, you actually know what to look for."


"And you can find it."

"And you can keep it."


 

The only two qualities that matter

The two most important qualities to look for in your life partner are not whether they get you, or accept you, or make you feel safe—it’s whether they are emotionally mature and self-aware.

But guess what? You can't search for something unless you know what it looks like.

You can't find such a person until you yourself become one, and therefore know what signs to look for.

If you’re looking for someone to provide you safety, because you feel dependent and insecure, it is obvious that you are inviting dependence and attachment.

This is why the same patterns repeat in our relationships. Because fundamentally, we have not yet shifted from asking for security, to creating it within ourselves.

If you’re looking for someone to share in your well-earned peace, you are inviting freedom.

Make them the only source of your emotional security, and you will find insecurity and resentment.

Make yourself the only source of it, and you will find security, fulfillment, and even… love.

3 Steps to Create Security Within:

1. Identify your Limiting Beliefs
   Ask yourself: What beliefs make me feel unsafe? Where do my beliefs actually come from?
   Practice: Write down your beliefs and read them dispassionately.
   Example: I was abandoned. I am not good enough. I don't deserve to find happiness.
   
   

2. Find Disproving Evidence 
   Are you 100% sure your beliefs are based in facts? If not, when have you acted as if your beliefs didn't exist? Find evidence from memory where you actually did act as if you believed the opposite. Take time to remember. Don't give up too easily.
   Practice: Ask yourself "Is it actually true that I am insecure?", "Is it actually true that others define my worth?", "Is it actually true that I am not capable and intelligent?".
   Example: I remember one time when I gave a speech in front of a large crowd. I remember once where I helped someone with their relationship issues. I remember once when I felt as if I didn't care what they thought about me.
   
   

3. Create Bias Towards Action.
   Act without creating internal resistance. That is the fastest way to build self-confidence and self-trust.
   Practice: Can I act without thinking so much? Can I start that project? Can I make that phone call? Can I sign-up for that training.
   Example: You start the process of changing your job. You speak up in front of your partner or at work. You start pursuing the hobby that you've been putting off. You act without wasting any more time!