How do you turn anger into healing by uncovering the fear beneath it?

Because anger is just fear waiting to be loved. 

(5 min read)

"I've never been so angry in my life", he said.

"I said things to her which I cannot even describe. When I thought about it I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame."

"What happened then?", I asked.

"I cannot even apologize. I mean, how do I even recover from saying something so horrible to my wife?", he lamented.

"Hmm."

"And now I feel like if I apologize to her, she will gain the upper hand again. She will make me feel sorry about myself for the next months. I really need to understand my anger. I don't know why I lose control so much, when she gets upset with me."

"That's not the problem.", I said.

"What do you mean?"

"That's not a problem because you are not angry. You are just scared of what her anger means."

"I never thought about it that way. What am I scared of?", he asked.

"Scared of losing the only person who can make you feel seen, heard, and loved, for who you actually are."

What We Don’t Realize About Anger

We are not angry because we were offended.

We are angry because we were afraid.

Anger is a false show of strength—one that hides our loss of control.

Those who get angry often… are also afraid often.

You don’t have to control your anger or change their behavior.

You only have to face your own fear.

Face that fear with gentleness. Like a flower in a garden, don’t fix it. Just look at it.

Let it allow you to see something beautiful.

Because anger is just fear waiting to be loved.

In the presence of love, fear dissolves, and so does anger.

If we weren’t heard or loved the way we needed to be as children, that lack of love becomes deep fear and insecurity in adulthood.


When in doubt, remember: Love is the answer. 

3 Ways to Meet Anger with Compassion

1. Name it correctly
When you feel angry, pause and ask: “What am I really afraid of right now?”

2. Sit with that hidden fear
Don’t push it away. Be with it gently—like holding a flower, not a sword.

3. Offer love
When others lash out, try this: “They’re afraid too.”
Meet them with presence, not punishment.

Anger grows when misunderstood, and it burns everything it touches.

But fear dissolves when it’s loved, and heals everything it releases.