Why do some people create conflict when things are going well in relationships?

Peace is not the absence of problems. It's the absence of the need for problems. 

I once got an email from a reader telling me how he cannot figure out what to do about this strange problem.

Every time things were going well between him and his wife, she would in his words, "create problems out of thin air."

When things were calm, she'd bring up old wounds.

When he tried to make her happy, she'd find new reasons to be upset.

She would start fights about doing the dishes, then complain that they were always fighting about dishes.

He felt that his wife didn't want peace. She wanted chaos. She was attached to her pain, and would not let it go.

He said, "I feel like she'd let go of me before she'd let go of her past."

The Hidden Truth About Peace

Here's what I told him.

His wife wasn't trying to hurt him. She was running from something that felt more dangerous than conflict itself.

Peace.

For someone who grew up in chaos, peace feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels unsafe. Unknown. Like something terrible is about to happen.

So when things get calm, the mind goes into panic mode. It searches for what's wrong. It creates problems because at least familiar pain feels safer than unfamiliar peace.

This happens because pain can become our identity.

The Ego can become attached to pain, just as it can to sources of pleasure.

When you've spent years feeling abandoned or afraid, you start to believe that's just who you are. Without the drama, without the problems, you don't know who you'd be.

The peace threatens the only version of yourself you've ever known. This is why so many people recreate their parents' relationship patterns. They unconsciously train their partners to act like their difficult parent because that's the only kind of love they understand.

It's like trying to bake a cake when the only recipe you know makes a terrible cake.

You'll keep making terrible cakes because it's all you know how to do.

 
The Path through Discomfort

Breaking this pattern means becoming willing to feel uncomfortable peace.

It means sitting with calm without needing to destroy it. It means allowing good things to exist without waiting for them to fall apart.

When you notice yourself stirring up drama in peaceful moments, stop.

Ask yourself: "What am I afraid will happen if I let this peace continue?"


Or ask, "What are they afraid will happen if this peace continues?" 

The fear is real. The threat is not.

Your Practice This Week 

Notice the Urge: 

When you feel the urge to create problems during calm moments, simply notice it. Don't judge it. Just see it happening.


Sit with the Discomfort:

Instead of proceeding with the impulse, sit with the strange discomfort a little longer. Let yourself feel uncomfortable without needing to fix it. Take 20 Conscious Breaths, Go for a long walk, do something that you find joy in - like reading, playing or listening to some music. All the discomfort to pass.

Ask these 3 Questions:

1) What would happen if I let this go?
2) What will happen if I don't say anything?
3) Is it really that important right now?"

What you'll notice is most of what you are feeling is simply your past leaving. It is a passing impulse you do not need to act on.


You will begin to understand when to speak, and when to not.


So then when you do speak, your words will have that much more power, because they will be necessary.