Why It's Not Your Fault & 3 Ways to Soothe Your Inner Critic

 Like cherries on a tree,

for a bird in the cage

This is a conversation I had with a close friend, many years ago.

“It’s been almost 6 years man. I still think you are not completely over her”, he said.

“I don’t know about that”, I pushed back on him, slightly offended by his words.

“Okay, how many times have you been on dates in the past 6 years?”

“Umm…”, he interrupted me.

“How many relationships have you had since then?”

"It's not that simple."

"Okay, how many days have passed since you brought her up in a conversation with anyone?"

“Hmm. Okay you got me there.”

“Exactly. You’re still not over it. Admit it. It will become easier if you just admit it.”

“You’re right. But I can’t stop blaming myself. I keep thinking of the mistakes I made. Sometimes I can’t believe I said those things! I keep thinking, perhaps had I not lost my temper on that one day, things could have turned out differently.”

“No, they wouldn’t have.”

“What makes you so confident?”, I asked him.

“Because you're hallucinating. You think you could have made those choices back then."

“Well, I did ponder those choices. I could have just chosen to be more resilient, more patient, more kind with her. I could have made those different choices. They were surely in my thoughts. I went back and forth over them many times.”

"And then what did you do, after that back and forth?"

"I lost control, and ended up doing what I didn't want to."

“Or, ended up doing, what was inevitable.”

“How so?”

“Because even though you could see those choices in your mind, you couldn't touch them. They were out of reach to you, just like cherries on a tree, for a bird in the cage. The bird can see those cherries, imagine eating them too, but in the end, the cherries remain out of its reach.”

“That sounds harsh. I don’t feel like I was that trapped though.”

“Let me simplify it even more. The choices you had, were limited by your self-awareness at that moment in time.”

“Hmm..you mean my self-awareness was insufficient?”

“Wouldn't you say so? Your awareness at that time decided the limits of what you could and could not do. With increased self-awareness, today that branch with the cherries, is inside your expanded reach. So today you could actually act differently, because your self-understanding and self-awareness are far greater, are they not?”

“...so the increased self-awareness and knowledge today, is creating an illusion that I had those choices back then, while in reality, they were always out of my reach?”

“Exactly. They felt like they were 'reachable'. But in reality, they weren’t.”

"Hmm. But how can it just be lack of self-awareness that decided my choices?"

"You're right. There was probably more to it too. It was also your upbringing, your parents and the way they treated each other, and you. Things that happened when you were in school. It was all of your trauma, and history combined. All of those things played a role in how self-aware you were."

"Hmm"

“But then why do you think all this happened? Why did we separate?”

There was a long pause.

He lowered his voice.

“Because sometimes, things just happen. Sometimes, there are no answers.”

Something about the way he said it, caused a shift in me.

He continued.

“You criticize yourself because it gives you some sort of control over your inner reality. As if criticism is going to change anything.”

“Hmm. What does that mean?”

He continued, “Your inner-critic is a manifestation of your desire to change your past. But since that’s an impossible task, it makes you stuck.”

“This is what I’ve been feeling for 6 years. Stuck!”

“It’s not your fault. It’s just your inner critic trying to change the past, because it cannot let go.”

“I think I am beginning to feel it now. It’s not my fault.”

“It’s not your fault.”

---

When a relationship ends, it’s natural to search for reasons.

You might find yourself questioning your actions, replaying conversations, and wondering what could’ve been different. 

This is where your inner critic takes over.

Here are three questions you can ask your inner critic to ease it up a little:

1. What if there’s nothing else you could have done?

Sometimes, there is no "perfect" action that could have prevented the outcome. 

Relationships are intricate, and they can end even when we’re fully committed.

What if you were doing the best you could, given what you carried into the relationship? 

What if your individual histories were so perfectly misaligned (or aligned?), that the only possible, and perhaps the healthy outcome, was the one that you have?

2. What if your pain turns into something positive?

“That which must give light, must endure burning” - Viktor Frankl said.

It’s hard to see in the moment, but endings often create space for new beginnings.  

Pain becomes passion, and passion becomes purpose.

Hurt people hurt others, but healed people also heal others.

Nobody who heals others has had an easy life.

Reinterpreting your pain this way can help you see the deeper meaning of your existence.

It can sometimes reveal to you, who you actually are!

3. How would it feel, if you forgave yourself?

Guilt is a wish that our past self knew what our present self does. And forgiveness is to realize the absurdity of that expectation.  

Imagine how it would feel to let go of all self-blame and anger.

How would it feel to forgive yourself ? Take a moment and actually imagine it.

How would your thoughts change if you forgave yourself?

How would you feel in your body, if your burden was lifted? 

Say this to yourself, 10 times, "It's okay. You did the best you could with what you knew. You are ready to release your past."

Then see what happens.